You Are Not A Victim

Carrie Koh: 00:00:31

Hello true seekers.

Carrie Koh: 00:00:33

Let me start out by saying you are not a victim.

Carrie Koh: 00:00:37

Now, some of you might be saying, well, of course I'm not a victim.

Carrie Koh: 00:00:41

But sometimes there is this little tiny bit of victim mentality

Carrie Koh: 00:00:47

that creeps into our businesses.

Carrie Koh: 00:00:50

It creeps into our lives, and it prevents us from having the impact.

Carrie Koh: 00:00:56

And listen, it's not our fault.

Carrie Koh: 00:00:59

We have had lots of conditioning around, really making sure things

Carrie Koh: 00:01:03

are perfect, making sure that we're good enough and, and if we're not,

Carrie Koh: 00:01:07

we've gotten ourselves in this guilt and shame and, and this self-doubt.

Carrie Koh: 00:01:11

And it's really that self-doubt cycle.

Carrie Koh: 00:01:14

I.

Carrie Koh: 00:01:14

That impacts the way you view the world.

Carrie Koh: 00:01:18

And so it's really important for us to talk about what victim mentality

Carrie Koh: 00:01:24

really is in this context and how to create more impact despite it.

Carrie Koh: 00:01:30

Because listen, everything that we experience serves us so.

Carrie Koh: 00:01:36

When I'm talking about victim, I don't mean like the traditional

Carrie Koh: 00:01:40

definition of the word, like you know, if someone is harmed or injured

Carrie Koh: 00:01:43

as a result of a crime or accident, that's not what I'm talking about.

Carrie Koh: 00:01:47

I'm talking about this victim mentality that I see so prevalently in

Carrie Koh: 00:01:54

especially struggling business owners.

Carrie Koh: 00:01:57

But also, I mean, I have absolutely been in this state in the past, so like.

Carrie Koh: 00:02:03

I don't care who you are looking at.

Carrie Koh: 00:02:05

At some point they have been in a state of victim mentality, so we're

Carrie Koh: 00:02:09

gonna talk about how it shows up, how, you know, maybe it's creeped into

Carrie Koh: 00:02:12

your business and what to do instead.

Carrie Koh: 00:02:14

So what I'm talking about victim mentality, what I'm really

Carrie Koh: 00:02:18

talking about is the way we perceive our circumstances really.

Carrie Koh: 00:02:23

The, the view we have of the world, and typically that view

Carrie Koh: 00:02:27

is one of pain over possibility.

Carrie Koh: 00:02:30

It's one of feeling out of control instead of in control.

Carrie Koh: 00:02:35

It's feeling helpless instead of hopeful.

Carrie Koh: 00:02:38

It's, you know, in this blaming state instead of taking radical ownership.

Carrie Koh: 00:02:44

Sometimes in the state, we find ourselves in excuses, well, this

Carrie Koh: 00:02:48

will never work for me because, or oftentimes, you know, we, we hear things

Carrie Koh: 00:02:53

like, well, oh, I already know that.

Carrie Koh: 00:02:55

Like, I know it doesn't work for me.

Carrie Koh: 00:02:57

I'm not even gonna try, you know, those types of defeating thought

Carrie Koh: 00:03:02

patterns and, defeating words create this victim mentality and.

Carrie Koh: 00:03:08

Here's the thing, like we are all kind of conditioned to feel a little

Carrie Koh: 00:03:12

victimy when self-doubt kicks in and we're held to believe that, you know,

Carrie Koh: 00:03:18

we have to hold ourselves to these.

Carrie Koh: 00:03:21

Unreasonable expectations that we literally would not hold anyone else to.

Carrie Koh: 00:03:27

But yet there are moments when we're like, Nope, not good enough.

Carrie Koh: 00:03:29

Need to redo it.

Carrie Koh: 00:03:30

Need to redo it.

Carrie Koh: 00:03:31

and when we are held to these impossible standards, because quite frankly, maybe

Carrie Koh: 00:03:36

we were growing up, maybe we were in our nine to fives, you know, we had

Carrie Koh: 00:03:40

to work harder than everyone else.

Carrie Koh: 00:03:42

We felt like we had to prove ourselves.

Carrie Koh: 00:03:45

There's a lot of reasons for this, you guys, and.

Carrie Koh: 00:03:48

It doesn't matter the reason.

Carrie Koh: 00:03:50

But what's important is that we talk about the fact that it does exist.

Carrie Koh: 00:03:55

It does sneak up into your business.

Carrie Koh: 00:03:57

It does impact the impact that you're willing to make and

Carrie Koh: 00:04:02

it takes away your authority.

Carrie Koh: 00:04:05

So let's talk about how to get that authority back.

Carrie Koh: 00:04:09

So there are three ways that really this victimhood could be potentially showing

Carrie Koh: 00:04:14

up, sneaking into your business So let's talk about that so that you can really.

Carrie Koh: 00:04:21

Be truthful with yourself to be like, Ooh, yeah, I've done that.

Carrie Koh: 00:04:24

Right.

Carrie Koh: 00:04:25

And again, there is no shame, there is no judgment.

Carrie Koh: 00:04:29

I know multiple examples of, you know, in my business, having conversations

Carrie Koh: 00:04:37

with my, with my business bestie going, oh my God, this is never gonna work.

Carrie Koh: 00:04:41

I just can't figure it out.

Carrie Koh: 00:04:42

I'm just, Horrible at sales.

Carrie Koh: 00:04:44

I just, I cannot speak to my people.

Carrie Koh: 00:04:46

I just can't like all of this, negative thought patterns over

Carrie Koh: 00:04:52

and over is really putting myself into that victim role, which.

Carrie Koh: 00:04:57

God, we think about that from like our logical brain.

Carrie Koh: 00:05:00

We're like, oh God, that's gross.

Carrie Koh: 00:05:02

I don't wanna be that right?

Carrie Koh: 00:05:04

But that's why we need to slow down to speed up.

Carrie Koh: 00:05:06

That's why we need to increase our awareness around this stuff

Carrie Koh: 00:05:09

because this is the stuff that's going to limit your impact.

Carrie Koh: 00:05:13

So here's one of the signs that, you know, you might be allowing, you

Carrie Koh: 00:05:18

know, this victimy stuff to creep in.

Carrie Koh: 00:05:20

The first is you focus on what you don't want instead of what you do want.

Carrie Koh: 00:05:26

And oftentimes I speak with clients when they start working with me and,

Carrie Koh: 00:05:30

and I ask 'em that question like, what do you want, like for your life?

Carrie Koh: 00:05:34

Like, what does fulfillment look like for you?

Carrie Koh: 00:05:36

What is your dream for this business?

Carrie Koh: 00:05:38

What does impact look like for you?

Carrie Koh: 00:05:40

And they can't articulate it.

Carrie Koh: 00:05:42

They can't articulate.

Carrie Koh: 00:05:44

What it is they actually desire, but they know what they don't want.

Carrie Koh: 00:05:49

They don't wanna stress about money anymore.

Carrie Koh: 00:05:51

They don't wanna feel like they are incapable anymore.

Carrie Koh: 00:05:56

They don't want, don't want, don't want, right?

Carrie Koh: 00:06:00

And so notice that like as a society, we are connected with pain.

Carrie Koh: 00:06:05

Over possibility.

Carrie Koh: 00:06:07

Like think about how we like complain about the weather together, think

Carrie Koh: 00:06:09

about how we like, complain about things and that like connects us.

Carrie Koh: 00:06:14

Think about when something bad happens, maybe, you know, something

Carrie Koh: 00:06:17

bad happens to your neighbor and you know, they're in an accident and

Carrie Koh: 00:06:20

everybody creates a meal train and, and we flock to people in the problem.

Carrie Koh: 00:06:27

And so, That's not a bad thing, by the way, to support people when

Carrie Koh: 00:06:31

they're going through a hard time.

Carrie Koh: 00:06:32

But what we have to notice is the patterning that exists because of that.

Carrie Koh: 00:06:37

We get attention when we are in victim mentality, otherwise we wouldn't do it

Carrie Koh: 00:06:42

because everything serves and limits us.

Carrie Koh: 00:06:45

I remember after my first son passed away, the grief was unimaginable and.

Carrie Koh: 00:06:54

I was in that grief for a very long time because it surfed me.

Carrie Koh: 00:06:59

I mean, there's a lot of layers there, right?

Carrie Koh: 00:07:01

Like, there's this layer of like, if I move on, it means I didn't love him.

Carrie Koh: 00:07:05

Like I should have loved him.

Carrie Koh: 00:07:06

You know, all of these crazy self-judgment stories that, I

Carrie Koh: 00:07:10

know now, you know, after lots of, coaching and therapy, I have really

Carrie Koh: 00:07:15

been on a healing journey from that.

Carrie Koh: 00:07:17

but in the moment, Nobody expected anything from me

Carrie Koh: 00:07:21

because I was a grieving mom.

Carrie Koh: 00:07:23

And so no one expected me to go back to work.

Carrie Koh: 00:07:26

No one expected me to, you know, be, connect with anyone,

Carrie Koh: 00:07:33

return texts or phone calls.

Carrie Koh: 00:07:35

There was literally no expectation put on me.

Carrie Koh: 00:07:38

And that served me because number one, I was able to grieve.

Carrie Koh: 00:07:43

But number two, It allowed me to just be safe, to just stay where I, was,

Carrie Koh: 00:07:50

to just not go through the hard thing.

Carrie Koh: 00:07:53

So I get this, you guys And those moments, like you don't know what

Carrie Koh: 00:07:57

you want and so you think it's just better to stay where I am.

Carrie Koh: 00:08:01

And so if you are focusing on what you don't want, then know that like the

Carrie Koh: 00:08:07

universe is only focusing on what we say.

Carrie Koh: 00:08:09

It's like when you Google, don't want to learn about football, what comes up?

Carrie Koh: 00:08:15

Football, right?

Carrie Koh: 00:08:17

So you learn about football.

Carrie Koh: 00:08:18

So it's like when we're putting these things out in the universe that

Carrie Koh: 00:08:21

are the things that we don't want.

Carrie Koh: 00:08:23

That's what we're getting.

Carrie Koh: 00:08:23

We're getting more of the things that we don't want, and that's when people

Carrie Koh: 00:08:28

get into this cycle of suffering.

Carrie Koh: 00:08:30

And I was 100% in a cycle of suffering when I, launched my

Carrie Koh: 00:08:36

business because I was still in that grieving victim mentality, right?

Carrie Koh: 00:08:41

And so this is why I'm talking about this because I, my business

Carrie Koh: 00:08:46

growth was so slow in the beginning.

Carrie Koh: 00:08:48

So slow.

Carrie Koh: 00:08:48

So slow because of this right here.

Carrie Koh: 00:08:51

I could not take radical ownership for the thoughts in my head for

Carrie Koh: 00:08:57

the feelings that were coming up.

Carrie Koh: 00:08:59

Okay?

Carrie Koh: 00:08:59

Another telltale sign that victim mentality might be creeping in is, You

Carrie Koh: 00:09:05

know, when you talk about, you know, the results you want, you may think, Hmm,

Carrie Koh: 00:09:12

but they're just not possible for me.

Carrie Koh: 00:09:13

That strategy doesn't work for me.

Carrie Koh: 00:09:15

You know, this is a moment when you focus on what's out of your control.

Carrie Koh: 00:09:19

This might be you seeking permission, right?

Carrie Koh: 00:09:22

Like, I just don't think that I'm able to do that.

Carrie Koh: 00:09:24

Let me ask my so-and-so, whoever is your partner, right?

Carrie Koh: 00:09:28

Or whoever you go to for advice, this is when people refuse to

Carrie Koh: 00:09:32

get into the beginner's mindset, I've already learned this.

Carrie Koh: 00:09:35

this won't work for me.

Carrie Koh: 00:09:37

I know that there's a bit of victim mentality there, and I know that we're

Carrie Koh: 00:09:41

able to turn that around because what that comes from is we are conditioned

Carrie Koh: 00:09:47

for external validation in our careers.

Carrie Koh: 00:09:51

Like, oh my gosh, we lived for external validation, and if we don't get it, we

Carrie Koh: 00:09:55

think we need permission to move forward.

Carrie Koh: 00:09:57

And so, Of course if we don't get external validation from doing a

Carrie Koh: 00:10:02

strategy, maybe we don't get the results for another 90 days, like

Carrie Koh: 00:10:06

we're gonna feel like it's not working.

Carrie Koh: 00:10:08

We're gonna get into that self-doubt spiral.

Carrie Koh: 00:10:10

We'll get into a little bit of the victim.

Carrie Koh: 00:10:12

The third thing that is a telltale sign for victim mentality is often look at

Carrie Koh: 00:10:19

the past to define our future Now, When we look at the past, we look at the

Carrie Koh: 00:10:25

things and the reasons why it won't work.

Carrie Koh: 00:10:27

Well, this didn't work for me before, so I'm not gonna try it again.

Carrie Koh: 00:10:30

I'm not gonna repeat past mistakes, right?

Carrie Koh: 00:10:32

And so it's, it's looking at the past to define like your potential.

Carrie Koh: 00:10:37

And so I know that people are really, in this place of feeling

Carrie Koh: 00:10:41

helpless when they're saying it's just, it's not gonna work.

Carrie Koh: 00:10:44

I, I mean, I've tried that before.

Carrie Koh: 00:10:45

It's not gonna work this time.

Carrie Koh: 00:10:46

There's a reason you guys, because sometimes when things don't

Carrie Koh: 00:10:49

work, strategies don't work.

Carrie Koh: 00:10:51

We aren't ready for them to work because we are scared to get clients.

Carrie Koh: 00:10:55

We are scared of the unknown.

Carrie Koh: 00:10:57

We are scared how the, it's going to change us.

Carrie Koh: 00:10:59

We're scared of failure, so.

Carrie Koh: 00:11:01

If you relate to this, you are joining a group of very successful women who

Carrie Koh: 00:11:07

have risen, who have created amazing impact and have come out the other side.

Carrie Koh: 00:11:13

And I'm so excited for you because even just recognizing this allows us to

Carrie Koh: 00:11:20

elevate to that next level of identity.

Carrie Koh: 00:11:23

So how do we transform from this victimy place to like the creator, to

Carrie Koh: 00:11:30

the boss, to the whatever, fyi, I hate the thing Boss Babes like, mm-hmm.

Carrie Koh: 00:11:37

Nope.

Carrie Koh: 00:11:38

So I said, boss and boss Babes immediately came to mind.

Carrie Koh: 00:11:41

But really, you know, to be the creator of our own destiny, right?

Carrie Koh: 00:11:44

So how do you transform?

Carrie Koh: 00:11:46

Well, first we have to be aware that that's what we're doing.

Carrie Koh: 00:11:48

That, you know, we're in that pain over possibility.

Carrie Koh: 00:11:50

We're complaining we're we're giving excuses, noticing, how these

Carrie Koh: 00:11:55

negative thought patterns serve us.

Carrie Koh: 00:11:57

But then there are some real choices that we have to make.

Carrie Koh: 00:12:00

Number one, we need to take radical ownership and we need to

Carrie Koh: 00:12:05

look at the results that we have.

Carrie Koh: 00:12:07

And the results that we don't have from a place of neutrality, and we need to

Carrie Koh: 00:12:12

look at why we don't have those results.

Carrie Koh: 00:12:15

And be honest with ourselves, you guys, if we can't tell ourselves the truth,

Carrie Koh: 00:12:18

we will not get to the other side.

Carrie Koh: 00:12:20

And even though that truth is hard and like, oh my gosh, this

Carrie Koh: 00:12:24

is why every coach needs a coach, because you need that mirror.

Carrie Koh: 00:12:28

I mean, I have said, Some things that I'm like, I, I cannot believe that

Carrie Koh: 00:12:33

I am saying this because I'm just like, I can't believe I got here.

Carrie Koh: 00:12:37

Right.

Carrie Koh: 00:12:37

I was in this pattern in my business for a while where I was, you know,

Carrie Koh: 00:12:41

I was growing pretty rapidly.

Carrie Koh: 00:12:42

I, I started a Facebook group and grew really fast and like

Carrie Koh: 00:12:45

monetized immediately and.

Carrie Koh: 00:12:48

Then a stalled, and I got into this Feaster famine pattern and I would

Carrie Koh: 00:12:55

go up and then I would go down and you know, part of that is normal, but

Carrie Koh: 00:12:58

like the down became more and more.

Carrie Koh: 00:13:00

And I was like, why is this serving me?

Carrie Koh: 00:13:03

And I realized, because I do believe everything serves and everything limits,

Carrie Koh: 00:13:06

and the limit is always easy to see.

Carrie Koh: 00:13:09

But it's often the serve that's hard and the serve I admitted to

Carrie Koh: 00:13:13

myself was when I'm in that famine.

Carrie Koh: 00:13:17

I get attention, I connect with my spouse over that.

Carrie Koh: 00:13:22

I, you know, get full on support from my coach over that.

Carrie Koh: 00:13:26

And that's how I have been trained to receive support is through the problem,

Carrie Koh: 00:13:32

not through elevation, not through celebration, not through potential,

Carrie Koh: 00:13:36

not through like it's working.

Carrie Koh: 00:13:38

So I noticed this pattern and I got to go back to understand where that came from.

Carrie Koh: 00:13:43

And then when I could uncover that, then I was able to trust my intuition

Carrie Koh: 00:13:48

and listen to my own voice and, and really elevate to that next level.

Carrie Koh: 00:13:54

So radical ownership, telling yourself the truth, looking at why you have

Carrie Koh: 00:13:57

the results, why you do not have the results as well, is so important.

Carrie Koh: 00:14:00

Number two, how you get from victim to creator.

Carrie Koh: 00:14:04

Focus on the possibility instead of the pain.

Carrie Koh: 00:14:08

So, What I mean by that is when you're feeling angsty and like, oh

Carrie Koh: 00:14:12

my gosh, that's not working right.

Carrie Koh: 00:14:13

Yeah.

Carrie Koh: 00:14:14

What's the thing that you desire most?

Carrie Koh: 00:14:16

What's most important to you?

Carrie Koh: 00:14:18

What actions can you take right now to move in that direction?

Carrie Koh: 00:14:23

Because all we need to do is like take one tiny step in that

Carrie Koh: 00:14:26

direction of that thing that we want.

Carrie Koh: 00:14:29

So just start asking yourself questions.

Carrie Koh: 00:14:31

You guys, the power of questions is so, so important and underrated.

Carrie Koh: 00:14:36

So what's the thing you desire most?

Carrie Koh: 00:14:39

What's most important?

Carrie Koh: 00:14:39

What actions can I take to move me towards what's most important?

Carrie Koh: 00:14:44

And you know, what actions do I need to stop doing?

Carrie Koh: 00:14:46

That's a very important question as well.

Carrie Koh: 00:14:49

So number three.

Carrie Koh: 00:14:51

From victim to creator, who do I need to become to be the person who

Carrie Koh: 00:14:57

has already created this impact?

Carrie Koh: 00:14:59

You guys, identity is the thing that nobody is talking about, but

Carrie Koh: 00:15:04

it is the 100% thing that will get you to the next level of impact.

Carrie Koh: 00:15:09

When you embody the person who has the results that you want, then you become.

Carrie Koh: 00:15:16

That person because she already lives inside of you.

Carrie Koh: 00:15:18

She's already there.

Carrie Koh: 00:15:19

It's you tapping into the thoughts, the emotions, the actions,

Carrie Koh: 00:15:24

the habits of this person.

Carrie Koh: 00:15:26

So describe that person.

Carrie Koh: 00:15:28

Who do you need and want to become to have created the impact you desire?

Carrie Koh: 00:15:34

Just think of three words.

Carrie Koh: 00:15:35

Describe that person in three words, and then remind yourself how you can create.

Carrie Koh: 00:15:40

That identity in three words.

Carrie Koh: 00:15:42

I, I often tell my clients to, set an alarm on your phone for

Carrie Koh: 00:15:46

three times a day with these three words, like in the description.

Carrie Koh: 00:15:50

And you will always forget that you're, you set that alarm and it'll

Carrie Koh: 00:15:53

randomly go off three times a day.

Carrie Koh: 00:15:56

And when it does, you'll see your three words.

Carrie Koh: 00:15:58

let's say it's like empowered, confident, bold, and then you can

Carrie Koh: 00:16:01

just ask yourself, how can I be more of these three words right now?

Carrie Koh: 00:16:05

That's it.

Carrie Koh: 00:16:06

Those are the little things you guys that shift our identity.

Carrie Koh: 00:16:10

Number four, to go from victim to creator.

Carrie Koh: 00:16:14

Who can I connect with to lift me up?

Carrie Koh: 00:16:17

You guys, there is research that says when we are in pain, when we

Carrie Koh: 00:16:22

have chosen suffering, we isolate, and that creates more suffering

Carrie Koh: 00:16:27

Especially in your business.

Carrie Koh: 00:16:29

I see this all the time with clients.

Carrie Koh: 00:16:31

If they feel like they're not doing what they should be doing.

Carrie Koh: 00:16:34

If they feel like, they've got a big win, and then they get scared and then

Carrie Koh: 00:16:38

they're like, oh, wait, that was a fluke.

Carrie Koh: 00:16:39

It's not, it's not gonna happen again.

Carrie Koh: 00:16:40

And then they start to isolate and they, they they stop reaching out.

Carrie Koh: 00:16:43

They stop asking questions and, this piece, this connection piece

Carrie Koh: 00:16:49

is so important because this is when it's hard to connect when

Carrie Koh: 00:16:52

you're not feeling your best, right?

Carrie Koh: 00:16:54

But that is why you need a community.

Carrie Koh: 00:16:57

That is why you need people who get you.

Carrie Koh: 00:16:59

we all need that ride or die, right?

Carrie Koh: 00:17:01

Who who've been there, who have con gone before us?

Carrie Koh: 00:17:04

So, Look at yourself truthfully, because you are not a victim.

Carrie Koh: 00:17:09

None of us are you guys.

Carrie Koh: 00:17:10

We are not victims.

Carrie Koh: 00:17:12

we have been impacted by this patterning through our careers, through our nine

Carrie Koh: 00:17:16

to five, through other people telling us who we need to be to be successful.

Carrie Koh: 00:17:21

And now's the time, let's.

Carrie Koh: 00:17:23

Cut that off.

Carrie Koh: 00:17:24

Let's be the creator of our future.

Carrie Koh: 00:17:28

All right.

Carrie Koh: 00:17:28

Get out there and monetize your authority to increase your impact.