The Pressure To "Let Go" Is Keeping You Stuck

Carrie Koh: 00:00:31

Hey, true seeker.

Carrie Koh: 00:00:32

So today's episode is completely unplanned.

Carrie Koh: 00:00:35

like a good little new podcaster.

Carrie Koh: 00:00:37

I mapped out my first season and I have been dutifully recording

Carrie Koh: 00:00:43

when I get into that inspiration.

Carrie Koh: 00:00:45

But today I.

Carrie Koh: 00:00:46

It just felt different today.

Carrie Koh: 00:00:48

You know, something came up that I thought this is important to talk

Carrie Koh: 00:00:51

about because, you know, this podcast is about the deeper truth and one

Carrie Koh: 00:00:56

thing that I know is that there are certain triggers that we have around

Carrie Koh: 00:01:00

certain days that give us the choice to either sweep our truth under the rug.

Carrie Koh: 00:01:06

Or uncover it, process it, and take the lesson so that we can teach others.

Carrie Koh: 00:01:11

And today is one of those days.

Carrie Koh: 00:01:12

So today is Mother's Day.

Carrie Koh: 00:01:14

today is a day of mixed emotion.

Carrie Koh: 00:01:17

I.

Carrie Koh: 00:01:18

Love honoring my mom, my sisters, all the amazing moms that are in my life.

Carrie Koh: 00:01:23

but at the same time, I love honoring them every other day of the year as well.

Carrie Koh: 00:01:28

And I think for so many of us, we have different journeys of motherhood,

Carrie Koh: 00:01:32

different journeys with our own moms, and there's a lot of emotion tied into a day.

Carrie Koh: 00:01:37

There's a lot of obligation, there's a lot of expectations, and

Carrie Koh: 00:01:40

that creates disappointment, that creates this feeling of really.

Carrie Koh: 00:01:45

Wanting something that we don't know that we can articulate or

Carrie Koh: 00:01:50

really creating this, we're setting ourselves up for failure, right?

Carrie Koh: 00:01:55

Because of a silly holiday hallmark holiday.

Carrie Koh: 00:01:59

And so one of the things that came up today was this concept of letting go.

Carrie Koh: 00:02:03

And there's a lot of talk about letting go, just let it go.

Carrie Koh: 00:02:08

Like into the wind, right?

Carrie Koh: 00:02:09

Like, what does letting go mean?

Carrie Koh: 00:02:11

I've coached hundreds, if not thousands of people over the last, eight years.

Carrie Koh: 00:02:16

And the concept of letting go is something that.

Carrie Koh: 00:02:20

creates the most angst.

Carrie Koh: 00:02:22

And this morning as I was journaling and really assessing kind of where

Carrie Koh: 00:02:27

I was energetically, mother's Day is one of just so much gratitude for my

Carrie Koh: 00:02:34

sweet little son and opening his little homemade gifts he made from school.

Carrie Koh: 00:02:39

And it's also one of reflection and a bit of sadness for what could have been.

Carrie Koh: 00:02:43

And this morning I just felt, tightness in my throat, it's been.

Carrie Koh: 00:02:49

10 years since my first son passed from a rare muscle disease, and we spent five

Carrie Koh: 00:02:55

months with him in the NICU two and a half amazing months at home and created

Carrie Koh: 00:03:00

a lifetime of memories and a lifetime of joy and experiences and, and it

Carrie Koh: 00:03:06

was a beautiful, beautiful time while creating the most pain I've ever felt And.

Carrie Koh: 00:03:13

The journey of grief is one that no one really talks about, right?

Carrie Koh: 00:03:17

Because there's a societal expectation that a certain amount

Carrie Koh: 00:03:21

of time has passed, so it's not appropriate to talk about it anymore.

Carrie Koh: 00:03:25

They should be over it by now, or like, oh gosh, they really need to let that go.

Carrie Koh: 00:03:28

They feel so stuck, right?

Carrie Koh: 00:03:29

And the fact of the matter is anyone who's experienced grief, which is

Carrie Koh: 00:03:33

most of us, know that we can't guess when it's going to come upon us.

Carrie Koh: 00:03:38

We can't guess when that next layer of, emotion and that next layer of

Carrie Koh: 00:03:43

breakthrough, of lesson of awareness is going to come because of the

Carrie Koh: 00:03:48

adversity that we've experienced.

Carrie Koh: 00:03:50

And so when I was feeling this tightness in my throat this morning and I was

Carrie Koh: 00:03:54

thinking about, the sense of like, Grum Nest I was feeling and I was

Carrie Koh: 00:03:59

like, okay, what is this really about?

Carrie Koh: 00:04:02

And it was really about this concept of not letting go of

Carrie Koh: 00:04:06

what I'm still holding onto and.

Carrie Koh: 00:04:10

I have always desired a deeper spiritual connection with my son who passed away.

Carrie Koh: 00:04:16

And I know that the thing that has been holding me back in so many areas was

Carrie Koh: 00:04:22

keeping him tethered to me, wanting so deeply that physical nature, wanting

Carrie Koh: 00:04:26

so deeply to keep his memory alive.

Carrie Koh: 00:04:29

I'm holding on because I'm making, letting go.

Carrie Koh: 00:04:33

Acknowledge that his life is not as meaningful as it was one year,

Carrie Koh: 00:04:38

two years out from his death.

Carrie Koh: 00:04:41

And this.

Carrie Koh: 00:04:42

meaning that I am applying is keeping me in a place that isn't allowing growth.

Carrie Koh: 00:04:50

And it's not that I haven't grown leaps and bounds in the last 10 years.

Carrie Koh: 00:04:54

I am 100% a different human than I was then.

Carrie Koh: 00:04:57

But something happens when we talk about releasing and letting go of loved ones.

Carrie Koh: 00:05:05

And when I looked at that this morning of what that really meant,

Carrie Koh: 00:05:09

I was making, letting go mean.

Carrie Koh: 00:05:11

Discarded.

Carrie Koh: 00:05:12

And if you look up the word discarded, it means essentially getting rid of things

Carrie Koh: 00:05:17

as useless or unwanted and just being tossed away, never to be thought of again.

Carrie Koh: 00:05:23

Right.

Carrie Koh: 00:05:23

You discard trash.

Carrie Koh: 00:05:25

And this morning I was like, oh my gosh.

Carrie Koh: 00:05:27

No wonder.

Carrie Koh: 00:05:29

No wonder I'm still holding on so tight.

Carrie Koh: 00:05:32

I'm holding on to make sure he knows that he was wanted, that he

Carrie Koh: 00:05:36

was loved so, so deeply, but why do I feel the need to prove that?

Carrie Koh: 00:05:41

Right?

Carrie Koh: 00:05:42

And I realized this morning that this is a sneaky way that that external accolades,

Carrie Koh: 00:05:47

that external validation through.

Carrie Koh: 00:05:50

It comes through the grief in like weird different ways.

Carrie Koh: 00:05:55

It's like I'm looking outside of myself to prove that I loved him, prove that my

Carrie Koh: 00:06:00

love was enough through all of the pain.

Carrie Koh: 00:06:02

And I see so many other women doing this, whether their pain was lost, whether

Carrie Koh: 00:06:07

their pain was getting fired from their nine to five we define letting go.

Carrie Koh: 00:06:11

To mean something that it does not, and we create these definitions that

Carrie Koh: 00:06:17

keep us feeling stuck and really.

Carrie Koh: 00:06:21

What does letting go mean?

Carrie Koh: 00:06:23

It means allowing my son to be what he was meant to be for his soul, to land in a

Carrie Koh: 00:06:29

place of peace and alignment and purpose.

Carrie Koh: 00:06:31

And by holding on, I'm keeping him from his purpose, which, in that realm

Carrie Koh: 00:06:35

is something I can't even fathom.

Carrie Koh: 00:06:37

I can't see, I can't understand.

Carrie Koh: 00:06:38

It's bigger than my earthly view of something.

Carrie Koh: 00:06:42

This is the ultimate unknown.

Carrie Koh: 00:06:44

This is the ultimate fear of facing.

Carrie Koh: 00:06:47

The unknown.

Carrie Koh: 00:06:48

We don't know why things happen for us, especially when we experience

Carrie Koh: 00:06:52

death, especially when we experience those things that are so painful.

Carrie Koh: 00:06:56

We don't know the bigger purpose in this moment, and we may never know.

Carrie Koh: 00:06:59

But letting go does not mean discarded.

Carrie Koh: 00:07:03

And I wanna put a logical example to this because when you ask yourself

Carrie Koh: 00:07:08

what you are making, letting go mean.

Carrie Koh: 00:07:11

want you to picture a child who is ready to go off to college and the

Carrie Koh: 00:07:16

mom says, you know what, honey?

Carrie Koh: 00:07:18

That's amazing.

Carrie Koh: 00:07:19

You've earned so much.

Carrie Koh: 00:07:20

You've got that scholarship, whatever.

Carrie Koh: 00:07:22

Instead of saying, off you go, she's saying, and you're gonna live with me

Carrie Koh: 00:07:27

and we're gonna go grocery shopping every single day, and we're gonna

Carrie Koh: 00:07:30

watch movies like we've always done on Friday nights, and we hold them tight.

Carrie Koh: 00:07:36

Obviously we know that that does not serve the child and it does not serve us.

Carrie Koh: 00:07:42

And so I, Oliver and I had this thing when he was five.

Carrie Koh: 00:07:45

He didn't wanna go to college.

Carrie Koh: 00:07:46

I don't know why college was such a big thing when he was five, but apparently

Carrie Koh: 00:07:49

it was because he didn't wanna leave me.

Carrie Koh: 00:07:51

So I'm like, don't worry, I'm gonna go to college with you.

Carrie Koh: 00:07:53

We're gonna be roommates.

Carrie Koh: 00:07:55

Will you go now?

Carrie Koh: 00:07:56

And he's like, yeah, okay.

Carrie Koh: 00:07:56

I'll go.

Carrie Koh: 00:07:57

Obviously, he's.

Carrie Koh: 00:07:58

Releasing that need to have me at college.

Carrie Koh: 00:08:02

But I say that like as a joke, but truly, we let go of our children at every

Carrie Koh: 00:08:09

single milestone that they encounter.

Carrie Koh: 00:08:11

Every single age, every single step that they make, we're releasing them

Carrie Koh: 00:08:16

a little bit more each day because we know that's what's right for them.

Carrie Koh: 00:08:21

And that's what's right for us.

Carrie Koh: 00:08:23

We can't grow when we desire the past.

Carrie Koh: 00:08:26

We can't grow when we long for a different present.

Carrie Koh: 00:08:29

Letting go of what tethered us here is the gift that we must give to ourselves, our

Carrie Koh: 00:08:36

families, our clients, our future clients.

Carrie Koh: 00:08:39

So letting go doesn't mean discarding never to be thought of again.

Carrie Koh: 00:08:43

Letting go is simply allowing something else.

Carrie Koh: 00:08:46

And I used to say this analogy of letting go is like you can't let

Carrie Koh: 00:08:50

go until you attach to something.

Carrie Koh: 00:08:52

It's like picturing yourself on a monkey bar, right?

Carrie Koh: 00:08:55

you're hanging from the monkey bar.

Carrie Koh: 00:08:56

You can't let go of that backhand until you attach to the front hand, but, There's

Carrie Koh: 00:09:01

a lot of pressure in that attachment, like what do you wanna be when you grow up?

Carrie Koh: 00:09:05

Does any of us know the answer to that?

Carrie Koh: 00:09:07

I don't care how old you are, there's a lot of pressure to attaching to something.

Carrie Koh: 00:09:12

What if it's the wrong thing to attach you?

Carrie Koh: 00:09:13

What if that's not what I was meant to be?

Carrie Koh: 00:09:15

But what if we didn't need to attach just yet?

Carrie Koh: 00:09:19

Right.

Carrie Koh: 00:09:20

Like what if the attachment was just to this trust that the next version of us,

Carrie Koh: 00:09:26

of those we love of life, will unfold the way it should when we just face that

Carrie Koh: 00:09:32

unknown, We need to let go so that we can allow the next level to unfold so that we

Carrie Koh: 00:09:39

can become who we're meant to be, without guilt, without shame, without thinking

Carrie Koh: 00:09:46

we're leaving people behind, or that we're moving on when they can't move on.

Carrie Koh: 00:09:52

Because the truth is no one is left behind.

Carrie Koh: 00:09:54

The tether is just that a tether cutting our tether to a loved one who's passed

Carrie Koh: 00:10:00

or to a story that's no longer serving us allows us and everyone we love to soar.

Carrie Koh: 00:10:06

And isn't that what we would want?

Carrie Koh: 00:10:09

If that person that we had lost was still here, we'd both want each other to soar.

Carrie Koh: 00:10:13

And yet, in death, in adversity, we punish ourselves.

Carrie Koh: 00:10:16

We stand still to prove that we did enough, that we are good enough, that

Carrie Koh: 00:10:21

we loved enough, we stand still in duty, and instead, let's release out of love.

Carrie Koh: 00:10:30

Instead of having this definition of discarding and letting go, let's just

Carrie Koh: 00:10:35

release the pressure, let's release, the pressure to open up a purpose that is

Carrie Koh: 00:10:41

evolving every single minute of every single day release to create that freedom,

Carrie Koh: 00:10:48

that fun, that glory, that achievement, that love that you are seeking.

Carrie Koh: 00:10:52

When we cut that tether, And release ourselves.

Carrie Koh: 00:10:57

It's not that we're floating around with no purpose We're just releasing

Carrie Koh: 00:11:02

those limiting beliefs, that obligation and that duty so that we can create

Carrie Koh: 00:11:07

an adventure of seeking what's next.

Carrie Koh: 00:11:10

And when we see that as an adventure and not an obligation to say, here is

Carrie Koh: 00:11:14

my purpose, this is my mission, this is what I'm put on the earth to do.

Carrie Koh: 00:11:18

When we can just allow the adventure to unfold by allowing ourselves to release.

Carrie Koh: 00:11:26

Then that's where freedom comes from.

Carrie Koh: 00:11:29

That's where fun comes from.

Carrie Koh: 00:11:31

You know, we think money is tied to the sense of freedom, but that's not it.

Carrie Koh: 00:11:35

It's not the money, it's the release.

Carrie Koh: 00:11:37

And so I.

Carrie Koh: 00:11:39

For all of you mothers who are out there on this day, even though you'll

Carrie Koh: 00:11:44

be listening to this months later, I honor you because I truly believe that

Carrie Koh: 00:11:48

you should be honored every single day, and really allow yourself to

Carrie Koh: 00:11:53

release what no longer served you.

Carrie Koh: 00:11:55

All right.

Carrie Koh: 00:11:56

True seekers have an amazing, amazing day.

Carrie Koh: 00:11:59

Whatever that brings for you, and my hope for you is that that you are able

Carrie Koh: 00:12:04

to release into the next version of who you desire to become, go out and monetize